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Going down in (Olympic) flames

I'm not sure why this story about the Olympic Torch's trip through the north struck me as funny. My first thought when I saw it was "Sure, an open flame…

I'm not sure why this story about the Olympic Torch's trip through the north struck me as funny. My first thought when I saw it was "Sure, an open flame on an airplane, but if I try to board one with nail clippers or a bottle of water…"

My other thoughts turned to what often happens to my stuff when it travels on a (granted different) northern airline.  So I give you my latest script… Going Down in Flames

INT  CARGO OFFICE, NORTHERN CANADA –   EVENING

A man sits leaning back in a chair his feet up on a desk.  Dressed in dark coveralls and a fluorescent green vest, hearing protectors sit on his head. He holds a paddle with a small rubber ball attached by a rubber band, and he is bouncing the ball repeatedly with the paddle.

The phone rings. Looking annoyed he reluctantly sets down the ball and paddle and answers the phone.

CARGO MAN
Nameless Northern Airline, Cargo Office, may I help you.

Screen splits to reveal a man dressed in a suit, standing in front of the unlit spot for the Olympic flame at a crowded Vancouver Olympic Stadium. He's talking on a cell phone to the Cargo Man.

OLYMPIC MAN
Hi, yes its me Mark from Vancouver 2010. I spoke to you before. Have you found the torch yet?

CARGO MAN
All of our cargo gets forwarded on the minute it arrives here at Nameless Northern Airline.

OLYMPIC MAN
Look, we've already been through this. We still haven't got the torch, it's been three weeks and we really really need it now.

CARGO MAN
Can you describe it?

OLYMPIC MAN
(Yelling)
Its the Olympic Torch!

CARGO MAN
Can (beat) you (beat) describe (beat) it?

OLYMPIC MAN
(Sighing)
Its about three feet long, a wavy silver torch, there's an Inuksuk and the Olympic Rings printed on the sides. It has orangy yellow flames…

CARGO MAN
Whoa! Flames? That would be dangerous goods. Did you know that nine whole coconuts are considered dangerous goods for shipping on an airplane. (chuckles) Coconuts.

OLYMPIC MAN
We've been through this. We've gotten all the permissions. Where is it?

CARGO MAN
Okay, okay, don't get your pants in a knot. Now when did you ship the coconuts?

Comments

8 responses

  1. Indigo Avatar
    Indigo

    What a great laugh for first thing in the morning
    well done

  2. Tina Avatar
    Tina

    You are the best. You are my hero. 🙂

  3. aufildutemps Avatar
    aufildutemps

    Love the coconut story. Reminds me of the time we were crossing the border, going from Quebec to Vermont, with three small bags of kindling in the car trunk. The custom agent tells us we have to leave the kindling behind, no way, we are NOT allowed to cross with wood. As he says that, an 18 wheeler zooms by in the next lane with entire tree logs. Go figure.

  4. Clare Avatar
    Clare

    Thanks Indigo, Tina and aufildutemps.
    I’m not sure if the coconut as dangerous goods is rooted in any sort of reality but I knew an agent who would bring it up most times he talked about dangerous goods, thus its inclusion.

  5. william Avatar
    william

    Pretty Funny.
    Reminds me of the time the US Customs Agent took away a copy of “Mao’s Little Red Book of Quotations” at the Buffalo, NY crossing. He likely thought I was some sort of Communist when in fact I was just trying to figure out why this guy was so fascinating to so many. Anyways they said they would forward the book to my home address after “investigating: it. Surprise, surprise I never saw it again.
    Bill;www.wildramblings.com

  6. Clare Avatar
    Clare

    Thanks William. Not that long ago that would have gotten a long look on either side of the border. Did you have any problems the next time you crossed?
    And just so you know I changed your name as it appears on the comment from your email address to william. Hopefully it will keep the spambots away from you.

  7. Margy Avatar
    Margy

    Too funny, and I just read it on the day they postponed Phase 3 of ticket sales due to computer problems. – Margy

  8. Clare Avatar
    Clare

    Thanks Margy. I hope the postponement isn’t because they’ve shipped the tickets via Nameless Northern Airline.