There's another funeral in town today. Another young person will join the ranks of the far too many in our cemetery who have taken their own lives.
I've struggled with this post for over a week now, trying to keep emotions in check, trying to figure out exactly what I want to say, and I'm getting no closer to either goal. Chris is family, Leah's cousin, a young man with a quick smile and someone I've watch grow up here. He was 17 or 18 16 when he took his life a little over a week ago Friday.
There are wide range of emotions that I'm trying to keep in check. The obvious, of course, is sadness. Sadness that a troubled young man I knew is no longer alive, and that he'll no longer cheer our day with a smile. I'm scared. Scared that there will be more suicide attempts and successes in the coming days. After a suicide families, police, health care professionals and others in town hold their breath, waiting for the followup suicides that frequently come. Scared that I won't be able to keep my children safe from this idea that is so ingrained in some circles here. The idea that suicide is an acceptable answer to whatever problems you face in life. But mostly, I'm angry.
I'm not angry at Chris himself, but I am angry at the CHOICE he made, and the legacy his (and other's) suicide leaves behind. Suicide hurts the people who love you most, the most. It rips them apart. They have to deal with not only their grief, but their feelings of guilt. For without exception everyone who cared for Chris, everyone who was close to him, will think that if only they did something, said something, not said something Chris would be alive. I'm angry for those up here who trade on that guilt when they threaten to take their own lives to manipulate others – love me or I'll kill myself.
I'm angry that because of his choice I had to sit down and explain to my son why his mother was crying. That I had to try and make a six year old understand that Chris had made a choice, a bad choice, to hurt himself, and that I had to find the words to let him know that I don't want him to ever make that choice, without making it seem like it was a choice he should consider some day.
I'm angry because of this powerful legacy that suicide leaves among family and friends. So often, when I was still with the RCMP, I heard young people talk about a friend of theirs who had ended his life. They would speak of them with a reverance, and a longing to join them. How powerful is this legacy? Chris was the last of three brothers, all of who took their own lives.
I'm angry when people say things like "Well, he's at peace now." because he's not. You have to be alive to feel at peace, now he feels nothing, there is nothing. Nothing but our memories of him.
I think we do a poor job of conveying to people that suicide is a poor choice, and we don't let people know that we are angry with that choice when it is made. We don't want to speak poorly of the dead, and we, quite rightly, want to focus on the good, the person that they were. But here's the thing… it isn't the person we are angry at, but their choice, and we can make it clear to those around that we do not accept that choice as a good one, despite how much we love the person who made it.
I've written before on the scourge of suicide that plagues our communities, and I believe it is a far more complex problem then most of us think. There is no easy answer to lowering the rate of suicide, I believe, because we need to look for more than one answer, and we need to put more resources in place to find and implement those answers. We can't afford to wait.
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15 responses
You put into words something that is very difficult to talk about. Even from the other side of the territory and a year removed from Arctic Bay, this one still had an impact, especially for Lorrie as she used to teach Chris.
I’m so sorry, Clare. You are so clear about your feelings on this. I feel your fear about it. The pain your poor family must be going through is palpable. My thoughts are with you and yours.
Well said. Cape Dorset is suffering with the problems and issues of suicide too. We have had nine suicides this year, one 12 year old the others all 19 years old. It is very tragic when this happens and seems to come in waves. We wish a simple solution was possible but the reality is the society itself needs to change. No easy task.
Clare, thank-you for putting this into writing. It has been an issue that several of us have been struggling with over the last week into putting into words.
You are right that this is a larger and more complex issue than any one of us alone can deal with. We do (as a society) portray a very poor image of suicide. As adults, parents, family, teachers, counsellors, RCMP, health professionals … we have to help our youth understand that this is not the way to deal with their daemons. That we are there for them.
You say all that needs to be said and with an anguish that fits this terrible trend. My sympathies to you and your family. Tears all around.
I’ve stood there at three funerals swallowing my anger, not wanting to speak badly about a dead person… Your eloquent words should be required reading for youths not only in Northern Canada but in many other places as well.
Very powerful words Clare. I have to admit I’ve been struggling with this issue for several days now. There’s a part of me that is still in shock. I’ve been trying to put my feelings into words for awhile and I keep failing. Whether in the class or down in the gym shooting hoops, Chris just had this certain presence about him.
Although he wasn’t family, I knew him for longer than any of the southern staff at the school and I’ve struggled trying to express my feelings on the whole suicide issue this past week. I think what most upsets me is the idea that this young man will simply become another statistic to those who never knew him. But to me I will always remember Chris for his basketball skills, his Joe Cool attitude….and most of all that big big smile.
A difficult post Clare, where you have hit the target. It’s not the person, it’s about making a choice that works. Suicide isn’t a choice. As you mention, it only hurts others. Choices lead somewhere. Suicide doesn’t. Life is the only workable choice and we all need to look more carefully at life and what are our choices are or can be. We need to ask ourselves every day, what are our life choices and what are we doing to make them happen.
My thoughts are with you and your family.
Clare
Everyone has said it before me – a courageous and well spoken post on a most personal and painful topic/choice. I am old enough, and I gather you are also, and have worked in the field long enough that I have seen wave after wave of suicide devestate many a community. Certainly in Nunavut that is true. In the 1970s and 1980s I worked the small isolated coastal native communities of BC and there we saw pacts made amongst the teenagers (at that time predominantly male) and whole generations of bright young people were gone in a season, a year, a heartbeat.
I felt a physical pain in my chest when I read your post and also the comment by M&M in CD.
Hug your children, comfort Leah and grieve (and if that means being angry, so be it)long and deep. You are an inspiration.
Kia ora Clare,
My thoughts are with you, thank you for writing this.
When I was 15 my best friend took his own life. I still think of him every day. It never goes away.
Rangimarie,
Robb
My sympathy Clare, our family has also experienced the shock of the suicide of a friend.
I’m not even sure where to begin to respond to all of these thoughtful comments except to say thank you all.
With regard to the 12 year old, M&M, I can only say the same thing I did when we had an 11 year old hang herself in La Ronge. And that is that I cannot imagine what is so terrible in a 11 (12) year old’s life for them to even consider ending it.
While I understand what you’re saying Michael suicide is a choice, and all choices have ramifications. The choice of suicide does lead some where, to death hurt and anger. What I’m not trying to say is that suicide should be a considered choice.
I have a hard time imagining how the better part of a whole cadre of youth can choose this path and disappear from a communities future.
Thanks again to all for your thoughts.
I can’t begin to imagine how painful this is for everyone up there, even as it makes my own heart ache for those who are gone and those who are left behind to grieve.
Hi Clare
This is a very true! You describe very well. It’s a very hard issue to talk about but it’s also very personal for me also, I lost my (Aunt)natural mother to suicide, 2 cousins, and list goes on. I would like to correct, Chris would turn 16 on 27 of this month. He was just 2 years older then Jacqueline and his birthday was 2 days before her birthday. Well said and it’s always very hard to explain to kids or younger ones about suicide.
Thanks Rod.
Thanks for your insight Geela. I know we’ve talked about this before. I wish I knew what the answer(s) were. Thanks for the correction on Chris’ age also. I could have swore he was slightly older, as I’ve been retired for 5 years and I thought I remembered him being 12 before I left the Force. To lose someone at 16 is just doubly hard. He had a whole lifetime ahead of him.